Susan's Musings
by m.t.dog
Summary: Susan witnesses a private moment between her brothers and muses on the past and on how the present came to be. Peter/Edmund, which means incest as well as slash, and if you don't like it, then DON'T read it!


Susan was not smart

Disclaimer: Not mine. Wish it was, but…its not.

**Warning:** This is slash, and incest at that. It you don't like that, then don't read it! I don't want any flames because people were too stupid to read the warnings, okay?!

A/N: Well, this is my first C.S. Lewis fic, and my longest one-shot to boot. It's not the best, but I worked really hard on it, and I hope that you all enjoy! It's set during The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe, and the 15 years after…

Susan was not smart. Not that she was stupid, but she certainly wasn't the best in her class nor the smartest of her siblings. She did love to read, but when it came to actually writing a story, or doing a math problem, or getting an "A" on a test, she normally had to work extremely hard to do so, and even then, she didn't always succeed. However, if there was one thing that she was good at, one aspect of life that she excelled at, that one thing was relationships. She could spot a budding couple from a mile away. She noticed all of the signs, she saw all of the secret smiles, she heard all of the whispered words- she was a romantic genius.

The was why she was not surprised when she happened to glance out of her window one beautiful morning, and see Edmund and Peter wrapped in a tight embrace in the courtyard below her. It was not a brotherly embrace either- no, if one were to look closely, they would see Edmund peppering small, delicate kisses all along Peter's throat even as he thrust his hips shallowly against those of his brother's. In response, Peter's hands buried themselves in Edmund's dark hair, his knuckles white with tension, and his hips thrusting wildly back at the younger king's, only to have Edmund pull back at the very last second, a smirk gracing his swollen lips as he took in his older brother's groan of disappointment.

Susan, who knew that she should be getting back to her sewing project that was lying carefully in her lap, couldn't seem to drag her eyes away from the scene in front of her. It wasn't that she enjoyed watching her brother's in such a heated embrace, because frankly, she probably could have gone the rest of her life without seeing that. The thing that held her captivated however, were the memories. The memories of touches, glances, and whispers that led her to have predicted this match before any true romantic feelings had even had the chance to form between her brothers.

_Back to the Past_

The very first hint had been when she was only a child, barely old enough to talk and properly function for any period of time without her mother's help. Edmund had just been born, and her father was in quite a panic because her mother and new baby brother were finally coming home today, and her father wasn't quite sure if everything was ready for their arrival.

She was though. Susan positively couldn't wait to have a playmate, couldn't wait to have someone younger to talk to, someone younger to give advice to, to cuddle with, to dress up- oh yes, she absolutely couldn't wait to finally see her new baby brother. Peter was just as excited as she, perhaps even more so because he would finally have another boy to play with, someone who could understand the fake battles that he set up with his toy soldiers, someone who could run outside with him and not complain about getting dirty- oh yes, Peter was definitely looking forward to seeing Edmund as well.

However, all of their hopes were dashed when their mother walked in the front door, holding a tiny bundle that couldn't have been any bigger then a milk jug.

"_Is that it?"_ Susan had asked, a little disappointed that her baby brother was not quite what she expected. Her mother had smiled gently at her and knelt down next to Susan and Peter, extending her arms to expose a tiny, pale face with deep, dark eyes that were complimented by the sprouts of brown hair that were already beginning to show. Those eyes roamed the room with wonder, taking in everything that there was to see in their small foyer, until they finally settled on the face of his older brother. Immediately, at least that's what it had seemed like to Susan, a connection had been made between the two. Peter was held captivated by the little boy who looked so fragile and weak in his mother's arms, just as Edmund was held in wonder and awe of his brother who looked so much stronger and bigger then anything he had seen in his small lifetime. Yes, with that one simple look between her brothers, Susan knew that there was something special between them. She had been too young at the time to really understand what that something was, but looking back on the moment, it had definitely been the first sign of a deeper relationship between two of her siblings.

In fact, life continued in this same calm pattern for quite a while in the Penvesie household, even after Lucy was born. Edmund and Peter were absolutely inseparable. When Ed had been too young to really do much of anything, Peter had sat and talked with him, sung him some songs, made him laugh, played with him- Peter _lived_ for Edmund. Soon though, Edmund was racing alongside Peter in the backyard in a game of football, or playing soldiers in the living room with him, or wrestling in their bedroom, even though it was inevitable that Peter, his older and stronger brother, was going to win- it then became clear to Susan that Edmund also lived for Peter.

For a while, their parents were very happy that the two brothers got along so well, especially since they trusted Peter to properly look after Edmund. Soon though, they started to notice things that Susan had noticed years ago but had never bothered to mention. Not only did Peter and Edmund do everything together, but they were also very affectionate; they were always holding hands, or giving shy kisses on the others cheek, or sleeping in the same bed. For a time, they tried to separate the two siblings, afraid that in the future, they would confuse brotherly love with romantic love. The boys though, just would not be kept apart; they always managed to escape their parent's watchful eyes and find one another, and soon, their parents just gave up and learned to leave her brothers in peace.

Unfortunately for all of them though, this bond, this relationship seemed doomed to fail anyways, and without any help from the parents either. Peter was soon old enough to go boarding school, and even though Susan could tell that it broke his heart to abandon Edmund, go of to boarding school he did, leaving the dark-haired 7 year old sobbing into Susan's shoulder as the train left.

Those months without Peter were absolutely dreadful for Susan. Edmund was little more then a shell of what he had been; he rarely smiled or played, he barely ate, he didn't have any friends at school, and it just broke Susan's heart to watch her little brother waste away like that. So, when the day that Peter returned for winter break came, Susan didn't think that she could be any happier… though Edmund was ten times more excited then she was, his cheeks flushed with excitement, and dark eyes showing more emotion then they had projected for months. In fact, as the train pulled into station, Susan had to physically hold her brother back from running forward and into the crowd of people leaving the train, though she did so with a light heart and a smile on her face.

Finally, after waiting for ten minutes, Peter emerged from the train, chatting cheerfully with two other boys, both of whom were his age.

"_Peter!"_ Edmund had exclaimed, and Susan had gladly let him go so that he could barrel towards his older brother, a smile stretched so far across his thin face that she was amazed that it didn't break in half. What happened next though, not only knocked that smile clean off of Edmund's face, but also froze just a tiny peace of his heart even as it brought Susan to tears. Peter, who had barely glanced up from his conversation when Edmund had called his name, continued idly on his way towards the rest of the Penvesies, his friends in tow. So, it came to him as quite a shock when something barreled into him, and small arms threw themselves around his waist, their length just barely enough to fit all the way around. As Peter looked down to see who the heck had ran into him, he was met with a pair of deep, shining eyes and a large grin. Susan though, was shocked to see that, in response to his brother's happiness, Peter's eyes darkened with disdain as he cruelly brushed Edmund off of him with a muttered, _"Get away from me Ed."_

It was as if Edmund's heart had broke right then, which, when she looked back on the moment, it probably had. His eyes filled with crystalline tears, his shoulders dropped, and his sunny smile disappeared off of his face as he stood there, watching his beloved older brother continue past him as if he didn't even exist.

_Present_

"_Yes, that was definitely the turning point in their relationship,"_ the present Susan mused to herself as she surfaced from her memories. _"Things just weren't the same after that. Edmund grew cold, selfish and cruel, whilst Peter continued to become more arrogant, and prideful. They hardly ever talked after that day, and when they did, it was to yell at one another. Even after Edmund was sent away to the same boarding school as Peter, the two didn't reconnect. If anything, he became even nastier, though that was probably because he was bullied." _Oh, just thinking of those bullies made Susan angry; her youngest brother seemed to always have the worst luck, always seemed to have the most awful, terrible things happen to him. There were bullies, rotten teachers, mean (though not on purpose) older siblings, Jadis…here, Susan's eyes filled with tears just imagining what could have happened to Edmund whilst in the witch's clutches.

A groan from outside her window drew her away from such depressing thoughts, and though she told herself that she really didn't want to see what had happened to result in such a groan, she couldn't help but peek out of her window. Peter now had Edmund pinned up against a tree, his wrists above his head, his dark hair mused, and his milky white throat exposed to Peter's mouth, which was currently kissing, licking and sucking its way down to the collar of Edmund's tunic. One of Peter's legs, long and lean, was pressed in between Edmund's and was drawing small wails and moans from her younger brother's swollen lips.

Blushing, Susan managed to draw herself away from the scene in front of her and back into her memories, though her heart did feel lighter as it was reminded that in the end, everything had worked out fine.

_Back to the Past_

By the time their mother sent them off to live with the Professor, the bond that had once been so apparent in her brothers had dwindled down to nothing. Edmund was still hurt from his brother's rejection and lack of protection from the bullies, while Peter was confused at his brother's attitude and to full of pride to ask himself what he could have done to hurt his little brother so badly. So instead, they fought with one another all of the time, the crux of most of their arguments being why Edmund had transformed into such a brat.

Susan knew why; she knew that the deep love that had once existed between to two seemed to have disappeared and that both of her brothers were feeling the effects of having it taken away from them. However, she had not known that Edmund's feelings of resentment went down far enough to make him betray them to the White Witch. She still remembered that first day in Narnia; the wonder of a new world where beavers talked and trees walked, the guilt she felt from not believing Lucy in the first place and most of all, the sorrow of having her baby brother abandon and betray them all.

Her sorrow though, was no where near as potent or crushing as Peter's was. His soft blue eyes were filled to the brim with tears, his shoulders were slumped and his head was hung…it looked to the rest of the world, as if his heart had been torn out of his chest and broken into tiny pieces right in front of him. It had seemed to Susan, who had watched all of this guilt, sorrow, and crushing love course through her older brother's body, that the bond that Peter and Edmund had once shared, the affection and adoration that Peter felt towards Edmund, had returned to him at just the wrong moment.

Peter tried to remain strong though; he followed the beavers, he protected Susan and Lucy with all of his might, he met with Aslan, and he began his sword training with Orieus. He had seemed so normal, so mighty and great, that no one but Susan seemed to have noticed the crushing guilt, the incredible sorrow or the immense loneliness that haunted Peter both day and night. The nights, she supposed, had been the worst for him; nightmares had occurred more often then not, small wails and keens of _"Oh no, please, not Edmund!!"_ working their way past clenched teeth and red lips. Soon, dark circles were under both eyes, and though he tried his best to hide it from her, Susan knew that her brother was exhausted, both physically and emotionally.

She knew that her older brother was slowly wasting away, just as Edmund had when Peter had first left for boarding school, and she found that it hurt her just as much now to stand idly by and do nothing as it had back then.

As a result, the day that they first saw Edmund again, beaten, worn out, bruised, thin, but alive, she forgave him with absolutely no questions. She knew that her younger brother had acted out of spite and resentment that was well justified, given his horrible past. Plus, she knew that only Edmund had the power to drag Peter out of his guilt and loneliness, and she just couldn't find it in herself to remain mad at the one person who could give her back her family, who could return their oldest brother to his happy, carefree former self.

However, as Edmund walked slowly down from his meeting with Aslan, a small smile gracing his features at Lucy's ecstatic cry of, _"Edmund!" _she happened to glance over at Peter, and knew that it wasn't going to be nearly that easy for him. Of course, he would have no problem with forgiving Edmund because Peter so foolishly believed that it was all his fault that Edmund left in the first place. What was going to be hard was helping Peter get over the guilt; she could already see the tears building up in her brother's eyes as they raked over Edmund, taking in every scratch and bruise, and adding them to his list of things to feel guilty about. She could practically hear his heart breaking into a thousand pieces as he tortured himself with thoughts of what could have happened to their baby brother while he was in captivity, and it pained her to be unable to help him in his time of need.

"_What can help him though,"_ she thought as she drew away from her fierce hug with Edmund, a kind smile on her face, "_is Edmund's love."_

As it turned out, she was right. The first few days after Edmund's return were filled with long awkward pauses, muffled, tear filled apologies, and shy smiles that slowly repaired the bonds that had been broken throughout the family over the years. Edmund had changed, and in a good way; his eyes were once again happy and light, the cruel sheen that had once occupied them gone. He was polite and kind to everyone, laughed and played with Lucy, helped Susan train with the bow and arrow, did more then his share of work around the camp, and practiced the sword with Orieus and Peter until they were all panting, sweating and absolutely exhausted.

Of course, he spent much more time with his older brother then just training- in fact, they seemed to do everything together! It was as if the past three years had never happened, as if Peter had never abandoned Edmund, as if Edmund had never been bullied, as if he had never betrayed them all to the White Witch…they were kids again, their love for one another plentiful and overflowing. The soft kisses, hand holding and bed sharing all returned, though this time, there were no mom and dad there to try to split them apart; only Susan with her calm, gentle, understanding smile.

Unfortunately, all of this progress that had been gained, all of those bonds that had been returned fell apart during the battle when Edmund got stabbed by the same woman whom he had been willing to give his siblings to. The moment she saw him there, lying in the grass that had been stained an evil red with his blood, her face paled, her heart cracked, and her head began to spin. Her eyes were clouded with tears that made her hands fumble and shake as she attempted to gently place his head on her lap, small, choked sobs forcing their way past her white lips.

Beside her, Lucy was crying uncontrollably even as she fumbled with the small bottle in her hands that had the potential to save their brother's life. Peter was crying as well, though his tears were silent and deadly, snaking down his cheeks like streams of acid, and Susan knew that if Edmund didn't live, she would lose not only him but Peter as well. So, she prayed with all of her might that Edmund might live to see another day, might waken to see his beloved brother's face shining above him, brilliant with love and joy. She prayed for a love that had not yet had the chance to fully bloom, for a love that had been almost snuffed out again and again, only to return triumphant every time. She prayed to Aslan, to God, to any deity listening that might grant her wish and allow her brother to survive.

She prayed and hoped with all of her might, with all of her strength, and that was why, when Edmund's lips, glistening from the potion from the cordial, opened to allow him to draw in one shuddering breath, Susan nearly collapsed with happiness and fatigue. Joyful tears streamed down her face as Edmund was yanked up off of her lap and into Peter's strong arms, her older brother's face buried into Edmund's shoulder as he sobbed almost incoherently with relief. That was the moment that Susan knew, without a doubt that things were going to be alright, that her brothers would get that chance to be together here in this magical world where the two beloved kings could do no wrong.

_Back to present_

"_Well, it turns out that I was right,"_ Susan mused to herself as she once again surfaced from her memories. _"Peter and Edmund did get the chance to be together, a fact that I'm eternally grateful for every day of my life." _And it was true. She thanked Aslan every night that her brothers' love finally had a chance to manifest itself into bold kisses, quiet moans and beautiful smiles meant only for each other.

Speaking of her brothers…they had been quiet for an awfully long time, and Susan steeled herself to glance out the window to check up on them. What she saw made her kind face melt into a soft smile and her eyes light up with happiness. Peter's back was resting against a tree, his arms wrapped tightly around Edmund's waist even as the dark-haired boy used his older brother's chest as a pillow. Both were sound asleep, their faces flushed, lips swollen and hair mused, and Susan believed that it was the single most beautiful scene that she had seen in her entire life.

"_Oh well, I had might as well allow them to sleep for a bit,"_ Susan thought to herself as she glanced once more out the window at the slumbering pair before exiting her chambers. _"After all, they certainly deserve a rest."_

A/N: Wow…what a horrible ending! Definitely not my best, and I apologize for that, just as I apologize for anyone out of character…this is my first C.S. Lewis fic, so I'm still very new at this! Anyways, please review, and please, don't flame me…there were warnings at the beginning! Thanks for reading though, and I sincerely hope that you all enjoyed it! Later!


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